Ersatz Pizza

Tonight was one of those nights when the temperature is lurking somewhere between 45 and 50 degrees and it's just barely starting to get dark at 7:00 and all I wanted was pizza. And not a single pizza-ish ingredient was there to be found.
There was no tomato sauce, no tomatoes that could be turned into sauce, no veggies of any kind besides some ancient romaine lettuce leaves becoming one slimy mass in the back of the crisper, and the only cheese in the whole house was this:

 

There was, however, plenty of flour, yeast, and water to make a reasonable amount of dough. There were three non-moldy onions in the pantry. And there were some greasy, withered mushrooms that were going to be fed to the pet snail, but that he would simply have to do without. 

They were sauteed in some olive oil until golden brown. The onions were thinly sliced and cooked over low heat in a marvelous amount of butter with a little sugar added at the end, until they were nice and sweet and sexy.

A sauce was concocted involving more butter, wine, and the aforementioned cheese-like slices. It would have made a lovely fondue.

The dough was stretched onto a greased pizza pan. The sauce was spread evenly over it and topped with the mushrooms, onions, and a bit of thyme and pepper. I drizzled a bit of truffle oil over the pie as well, because even though I don't have a single tomato in my refrigerator, I somehow have a bottle of truffle oil.

It was baked at 400 degrees F. until everything was golden brown and bubbly.

And, folks, it was DA BOMB.

Bacon Jam

It's sweet. It's salty. It's spicy. It can go on ANYTHING. It's bacon jam and you know you want it...

INGREDIENTS

1 lb. fine-quality applewood smoked bacon

1 Tbsp. butter

1 onion, chopped

1/2 cup brown sugar

2 Tbsp. corn syrup

4 garlic cloves, minced

2 tsp. paprika

1 tsp. chilli powder

1/2 tsp. cinnamon

1 tsp. ground ginger

1/4 tsp. cloves

1 1/2 tsp. yellow mustard

2/3 cup strong coffee

1/3 cup balsamic vinegar

1 shot bourbon

1 Tbsp. maple syrup

2 Tbsp. hot sauce

salt & pepper to taste

  Fry the bacon until crispy. Drain the bacon on paper towels & remove all but 2 Tbsp. of the fat from the pan. 

Add butter to the pan & scrape all the dark crispy bits from the bottom as it melts. Saute the onion in the fat with the brown sugar on med-low heat for 15 minutes.

Add corn syrup & all the spices. Cook for 5 minutes, stirring frequently. Add the mustard, coffee, vinegar, bourbon, maple syrup, hot sauce, salt & pepper. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Return bacon to pan, cover, and cook for 1 hour over low heat, stirring occasionally. 

Pour mixture into a food processor while still hot. Pulse a few times until spreadable but chunky. Pour into a canning jar and refrigerate. As the jam cools, it will seal the jar. Bring to room temperature before using.

This is especially tasty on bagel chips with goat cheese. Or toast. Or sandwiches. Or virtually any other edible item.